I like to take my time to process death. For doctors, it takes seconds with a stethoscope or a few moments with their hand against the karated artery. But me, I like to sulk. Which most people view as a bad thing but, everyone needs their time. I experienced this first hand on a bright and sunny thursday morning. I woke up calm and stress free, if you consider calm and stress free, chucking your alarm clock aggressively at the wall at 6:30am. I'm going to spare you the gruesome torment of my boring day at school and just make a long story short. The entire day was pretty melancholy and I just couldn't place my finger on the source. I felt anxious while staring out the bus window or zoning out on my teacher. Which by the way, isn't a recurring thing.
Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, I get a text from my mom right before getting on the bus home. It reads. “Hello Samantha. I hope you have had a good day. We need to talk when you get home.” You know that feeling when your about to get on a rollercoaster that you really don't want to go on but your friend or family are tugging at your subconscious until you finally say yes? That feeling you get waiting in line. While it is almost your turn. That stirring in your chest? That is the feeling I got with that text. I began to scan through all the things I could possible have done over the past few weeks but couldn't pin anything specific. I was confused. This made my 30 minute, bumpy and loud ride home, shaky and full of paranoia. I walk in my house and its silent. The room fills with tension and my hands begin to shake, even tho I don't know why. My mom pages me into the kitchen and asks me to sit down. “Is everything okay?” I ask, with trembling lips. I look at her and see tears bubbling at the edges of her eyelids. “Uncle Dave died today. He took his own life.” Her voices studders. I am taken aback. Not knowing what to do with myself, I run up to my room. I begin to pant, almost hyperventilating as anger boils inside of my head. I don't know whether to scream or to cry. But my biggest question was why? Why did you do it? You had amazing children. An amazing life. An amazing family and home. What was so bad that you felt as if you had no other way out. How could you have possibly been so selfish to leave everyone else here to find you and wonder why you did what you did. I was angry at you for that. I was so angry. This is where I learned to sulk. To process what just happened. I didn't go to your funeral. I didn't want my last memory of you to be something so devastating. I didn't want to look at you like that and continue to be so mad. It took me a few weeks to switch my mindset. So I began to put myself in your shoes. Suicide is the irrational desire to die. I say “irrational” because no matter how good or bad a person's life is, it is a permanent solution to an almost always temporary situation. A person who dies leaves a trail of tangles confusion of family and friends trying to make sense of a senseless and purposeless act. I have realized that no matter how amazing your life has been, depression is something that affects the body, mood and the mind. And I know that my uncle is sorry, even tho he can't come back and tell me. I know he didn't want anybody to hurt as much as they are. And I found a moment of closure the second I decided to forgive him for what he did. I pushed along my anger and thought about what he must have been feeling like. As i began to learn how to forgive, I could sleep better. I could focus on my school work without completely zoning out, getting lost in my memories of all the times we had laughing. It was the first step to the moving on process. And I am now better. I will miss you forever uncle Dave. But, I forgive you. Iphones and screen time can be a good thing if they are being used correctly. Unfortunately majority of them aren't. Personally, I have noticed that time and time again, people become more and more afraid to make face to face encounters with one another. Back, even a few years ago, people would be sitting next to each other in doctors offices or on a train or bus. But, nowadays either everyone is sucked up into their phones, way too scared to say hello to the person next to them. But now, you would be shocked and confused if you go into one of those places and there is no form of electronic entertainment pretty much handed to you.
Not only is it making you significantly more socially awkward but it is also creating long term health problems. Most people think very little about what their phone can be doing to their brain as they are scrolling through their twitter, or their instagram. But there is much more to it than that. According to the FDA, cell phones electromagnetic activity is not affecting our brains or our eyes. But, according to Spine Health, knowledge from veritas, there is something called “Text neck”, something growing rapidly in teens and young adults. It is a problem that is caused by looking down at your cell phone or electronic device for too long. It can cause stabbing pain in the upper back or in neck. Or, constant tightness and discomfort. This can lead to chronic problems due to premature arthritis in the neck. The treatments are not as clear a the prevention. According to Spine Health, 72% of people, ages 18 to 44 keep their cell phones on them with an average of 2 hours without it a day. One of the biggest suggestions to prevent text neck is to hold your phone up to eye level as much as possible. Or there is a better solution. Take a break. Go outside, and look up. Source.
ucm116282.htm. Accessed 4 12 2017.
blog/modern-spine-ailment-text-neck. Accessed 6 11 2015. I am less than beautiful. Nobody can convince me that I am worth it No matter what people say This isn't where i am suppose to be People try to tell me I am beautiful the way i am Stop saying that. Being thin is the only way I refuse to believe that I'm not alone. Unless I reverse it. I'm not alone. I refuse to believe that Being thin is the only way Stop saying that. I am beautiful the way i am People try to tell me This isn't where i'm supposed to be No matter what people say I am worth it Nobody can convince me I am less than beautiful. Your walking down the hallway with your hand gripping tightly around your backpack strap. Your chatting with your friend, staring at your feet and back at them, oblivious of what is going on around you. The chaotic luminance of every other student scream-talking on the top of their lungs is getting fairly annoying. But, you quickly realize something is going on when you hear the halls grow quiet and a pack of students shoulder to shoulder with their cell phones out. You have an idea of what is going on but you can't see. But sure enough, through one of the dimly lit cell phone screens you see one student pushing the other against a locker. Sometimes there is no right or wrong answer, but there are options.
After realizing what is going on, do you look through the phone screen and run up to the circle, quickly opening your phone? You join in on the circle, standing shoulder to shoulder with people you have never even talked to, let alone be this close to. Being a bystander can’t be anything bad, right? You're not the one involved, you are just sharing some good content with your friends list as soon as you whip out your phone. Right? You laugh and yell for the people to go at it, because this would just be an awesome video. The other kid is not fighting back, he is just defenselessly avoiding eye contact while against the locker. But it's not your fight, right? Or, are you the type where the situation momentary catches you off guard but with every annoyed step you take, you care even less. You think that these people need to grow up and you want nothing to do with it. While everyone goes crazy, you just put your headphones in and continue walking to your destination with no regard left in you. People come yelping down the hallways asking you what is happening but you just continue to say that you don't know. Or, are you the type of person that just doesn't take it? Yes, high school is only a few years long and little things like these don't matter in the long run. But, they do matter right now. Are you the person that stops talking to the person you were talking to right when you saw that scene on that person's phone? The type of person that takes a moment to observe what is going on but doesn't hesitate? Doesn't take a second to think otherwise than to help out? You push your way through the people crowding like moths on a porch light. But you step in and try to stop it, even if you won't be the coolest person in the school you know that it is totally unfair and unnecessary. Do you try and make the peace and help the defenseless victim on camera, knowing all the boo’s and backlash you may get? What is worth it to you? What would you do? Coming to a sudden jolt, the ding of the car hollars. He sits next to me, slouching, eyes locked on his cell phone. He tells me that my shorts are too short he tells me that my hair doesn't look good. I am silenced, thinking where did i go wrong. I grip onto my bag. With the handles digging into my palms, the sun stings my eyes. The flowers on the small bushes bloom with florescent pink and dance in the wind. My mouth widens into a rare, yet relieving smile. The blossom filled air tickles my nose.
But my moment is abruptly interrupted as nicotine stained, toxic curls fill my senses. I peek to my left and see him, lighting a cigarette. I look back at the floor and walk towards a bench in disgust. With the sound of children laughing and yelping, I sit and admire the beauty, despite the demon standing in front of me. I unzip my bag and take out my sketchbook and pencil, running my fingers against the rough paper. I lock my eyes on a bright flower, mimicking its exact edges on my paper. Suddenly, the ink of his dark heart stains my paper and then my eyes, snapping me out of my gaze. He places his body next to mine, spatting in my ear that I need to get a real job. That art won't pay the bills. I sit in silence, with nothing left but a handful of useless words. Drained of my worth my chest fills to the brim with rage. I have become so numb, so emotionless, so tired of being stuck at a bottom lower than rock bottom. I quickly pack away my things. Picking up my bag and standing up with a confidence I haven't seen in months. A confidence that has been hidden in a musty, dark tomb. I grab my keys. With the raddle dancing in my ear drums, I faintly hear him yell and ask where i'm going. Heads turn and I slam the car door. I hear the words flow out of his mouth, begging not to leave him. Telling me that he is the best thing that has happened to me. I'm not falling for it this time. With my head spinning and my vision becoming foggy, I press my foot hard on the gas. And with that, I’m gone. I finally win. |
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June 2018
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